To A Dear Friend.

I just lit another cigarette.In light of the recent events, today especially, my words and this cigarette will guide all of which i hope to convey to you. Im quite bizarre, i figured that out quite a long time ago. There are many factors that make up my bizarre repertoire, one of them being my non traditionalist approach to relationships.I feel that when i let my shields down and open up my enigmatic world people become unsure if these are the trenches that they wish to thread. Many have not survived it.The few that have are my most closest of comrades and lovers. I see care and love as synonymous to each other. They are the same. A profound feeling of commitment toward a type of relationship. Now bear in mind that i am not speaking of your average everyday couple or your average fling in the dark. When i open my world to any of you, i open you into my emotions, my thoughts and my work. I am a woman of great passion, sensuality, sexuality and lustrous temptations but I am also a woman of great integrity, honor, nobility and strength. My work, is my life. In everything i do, I put my whole faith, trust and dedication into making it grow. Tireless effort, wasted on so many people and so many things that i didn't know how to control or want to take control of.My work is everything i do from the way i smoke my cigarettes, the way i reach out for your hand in the dark, my art in all the forms and shapes it or I make take.My art is all. Weaving its way into like the chaos arrows into the perfect little lives of the bourgeois. It is random perfection and even i have often questioned myself on my devotion to it. WHY? Why spend countless hours working for something as enigmatic, all the god damned fine lines are the ones i chose to thread. The middle ground. I do come off as an extremist but its only because of my passion, my views are always an incorporation of everything. I am never just art and I am never just logic.

Tonight, i crossed a threshold.One that i fear for so long would never happen. Now I will take you back to relationships.I dont know what made you different, you just are. The day i noticed that i accepted all of you.Even the parts i didnt know and dont know yet. I am not yours but all in the same i am. In our world for just those few moments, i am surrounded by bliss. I will never go as far as wanting to marry you or as far as even being your girlfriend.We agreed on a different type of care, of love, of devotion. With or without words spoken we accepted it that night when we kissed. I know i did. This affectionate friendship we share, whilst indulging in each other in more ways than friends do. I have let you into my sphere, unveiled my imperfections and basked in the night with you. You have become apart of that chaotic perfection, my art and ive put in a piece of my soul with it. As i put in a piece of my soul to all i do and for all i do not do, i have no heart or hunger for, i do not waste time with. That is who i am. I have lunged myself into another whirlwind which this time i am convinced is real. However, all of the rest were and are still very much real. I place my faith in you as my comrade and as my lover( for what else do you call someone more than a fling but lesser than a significant other). I want to share and trade experiences.To caress, hold and watch the sun rise with you. Who better than do it with if not with someone special. My fears are surfacing because of my insecurities on this matter that i have almost lost all hope in.Insecurities of being unable to be attracted. I have wondered as i have gazed into those deep eyes if behind it lies the death of a fraction of my soul. I am aware that there is no absolute and the chips will fall where they must but we still have a say over them and we can still play the game as long as the dice is still at avail and thrust our influence over their twists and turns dancing upon the foundation of chance. To be apart of this, i require the same and if i have gone this far and wanting to press further, you should know that this is not a joy ride. I say in full conviction i saw something in you that has more substance. One that would mesh with my existence as your comrade and lover. I am not ashamed of these choices. What i saw as i keep saying was a Muse. My Muse.An inspiration that fit into the cracked gaps and pieces that i have yearned to fill. A full blown flaming friendship that would set alight the rages of a thousand gods and a thousand more.I am in awe of you. IN AWE( look up the definition, those words are precise of my affections of you). I have not fallen in love in the traditional sense of the word, i have fallen in love with your being, even if at times you wont see it yourself or refuse to acknowledge it. I enjoy and am gratified by who you are, even the dark, grimy and hidden parts that could pose a threat to me. To muse is to inspire. To muse is to be in a state of thought of meditation. Take the latter meaning and transcend it beyond its words and apply it to the reality of living.It is almost like the decaying entrails of War and Zen meeting and coupling in the dark to produce the fiendish child, that is you and me.We have become decadence together.The decay of the virtue of all of what they know to be closeness. We have destroyed their ideals in this one act and it is something far more beautiful and romantic than i could use words to describe. Muse and Be Mused, my love.This is my fucking declaration of romantic friendships, on muses and liberation. When there is intensity and conviction in what one feels and does, regardless of all the blank time gaps of personal space.There will always be a satellite watching and waiting for the reconnection.

In vino veritas.

The wake of Destruction

It's days like these,

When the weather breathes,

As mountains gallop above the rocking earth,

They shed their weight on the concupisent with heaving delight,

And in the heart it is wet with the blood of a thousand and a thousand more,

Ash filters the lungs conveniently

As it snows down on to the helpless souls which shriek into oblivion,

Damned in to the ever after

So theres this guy.. that no one really knows about. and neither do you but.. its friggin insane.. i hate how i get so passionate and obsessive over people and things.. and its like im on fire or something. if this doesnt balance out im going to be very crushed. its idiotic to think that i actually think of being rejected. but i mean it could happen. but NOTHING has happened yet and thats the whole point. NOTHING. and then this happens all the time i get worked up about a person, it finally goes somewhere and they end up having self issues and other fucking complications. and its just tiring to think about it. and i wish i didnt have to lie or to pretend it doesnt matter. or to hide it. WHAT THE FUCK! why?! really why do people have these emotions, its ridiculous. Think about it real hard, you see something you like or sometimes it doesnt take visual sight to see it but its something you like, something that pleases you and then you want to have it. you want to be with it. your heart beats to oblivion and is about to explode. and its insane because your moving on a hunch. and not to mention shit always gets way more complicated in my instance because most people are monogamous and im not so.. things just never really get anywhere and i end up being great friends or we just dont speak at all. IT HURTS SO BAD AND IT HASNT EVEN HAPPENED OR IF IT EVER WILL HAPPEN. what the heck is wrong with me! i evidently need to get a grip soon but omfg it feels great.. this emotion always feels great going ga-ga and having melt downs every time you see the person or hear from them.. yes my heart is doing the cartwheels and i have goosebumps. Despite all the great emotions i have right now, this high will die and it will crash and burn. ive been there too many times before but i continuously put myself in this masochistic position. if only to hear from you everyday and to be able to be amazed by you everyday from a distance id say id take it in a heartbeat but thats a lie we all tell ourselves.. we eventually need to purge the obsession. And i tend to never waste anytime.. in any situation. I feel like i should gamble and put it all on the table again and play the high stakes.

So, heres to the thrill of you and to the thrill of the hunt! i dont know you but im pretty damned sure theres something about you. ive seen it. i know it...